the devils come out to play

These few days have been pretty rough.

Oh, wait. Who am I kidding? The past coming to seven months has been really tough on me because constant darkness & misery took over. The skies have been gloomy to me.

I have come to a realization whereby I have to learn to accept the fact that I am no longer as strong as I was. These past few months, I have been suffering constant emotional and mental breakdowns. It’s not normal and I feel helpless.

Most of the time, I’m just bottling up my emotions. I just find solace in writing my blog, ranting on my private twitter or just scribbling on a notebook. I don’t bother talking to anyone about my problems because most of them don’t bother listening to me either, so what’s the point?

At times, I feel like I’m crazy. I don’t even know who I am anymore because this wasn’t the girl who I wanted to be growing up. I feel like I’m delusional or even depressed. I am in fact, becoming more volatile than ever. The feelings that I feel, the grudges, they’re all bottled up in my heart until it cannot be contained anymore. It’s blowing out of proportion in the shape of sharp temper. Even my own temper scares me sometimes – before I retreat into chantings to calm myself down within that few minutes.

That’s when the devils laugh and mock me. They love to see me at my most vulnerable and weakest point. That’s when they attack me, from every direction – my heart, my mind, when I’m alone.

Mom tells me I’m not okay. I used to think that she was the one who was making me crazy but now I see it for myself.

Yeah, I am beginning to see that I’m not actually okay.

I am not okay. Fuck. 

It’s so hard to see accept the fact that I am not okay because I used to be a tough cookie. It’s hard to see myself hating and berating my own self. I was never like this before. And now, I can’t even enjoy living my life because of who I am.

feels like i only go backwards

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself.

I don’t know what I’m doing in life anymore – there’s no clear vision of what I want in the future. Everything is just a blurry mess right now. The things that have been happening in my life right now has affected me so much to the point that I feel like I do not want to live my life anymore until the particular person leaves forever.

The fact that I’m wasting my youth on this crappy bullshit (which I did not ask for) has made it so difficult for me to enjoy life. Everything has been so miserable & it’s so hard to look at the “bright” side because it is literally non-existent.

This is not the life that I want. There are other 18-year-old girls out there who do not need a man at all to get what they want and they’re out there chasing their dreams, exploring the world, and checking off their bucket list. While I’m here at home most of the time at home, waking up in the late afternoons, binge-watching vlogs on Youtube just to keep my mind distracted from this miserable life.

I am no longer the girl that I used to be and that saddens me a lot. I have built myself up in a certain manner that would exude my self-confidence to other people and now I’ve lost it all. I am no longer that girl who’s outspoken, amiable, happy-go-lucky, “rah-rah”, could-not-care-less girl that I used to be back in Secondary School. I have become the total opposite. I tend to be a lot quieter around people, I don’t like being in the limelight, I don’t take initiatives like I used to do anymore, I have become more reserved, I’m less confident of myself, I have become more socially anxious and I just tend to shut people out nowadays.

I used to have such a clear vision in life. I knew what I wanted to do and I knew that I was capable of doing it. I had that attitude whereby I knew I could take life by its balls and now, everything else just intimidates me. It’s just constant mental and emotional breakdowns, over and over. I am just constantly frustrated and crying over my life.

I hate the fact that I am doing this to myself. I do not deserve this.

I feel like I have so much to offer to the world – to prove myself.  There are so many things out there that I could be doing. I really don’t want to waste my youth and allow the negativity to suck the soul out of me. I no longer want myself to allow one irrelevant human being to ruin my chances at making this life fulfilling and to make it to what I desire it to be.

I am trying so hard to find things that I could do to make myself happy but my creative juices are lacking. I no longer find inspiration in anything like I used to. Nothing excites me anymore. I do not even know what I could do to improve myself and make my life fulfilling.

This whole post just sounds really, really depressing. It’s just that everything has been so stagnant in my life lately.

What I need is just a whole new revamp of myself – a new outlook on life, a new attitude, new look and style, new friends, a new vision, new hopes and dreams, new resolutions, new environment, a wider circle of friends. Just everything brand new. I despise the girl who I have currently become. I desperately have and neeed to find a new way of getting myself to love myself, again.

Self-Love. 

 

 

ALONE OR JUST LONELY?

I have come to a realization that once again, I have made the foolish mistake of prioritizing the people who don’t even prioritize me – which leads to me being taken for granted, once again.

I wish I’d stop being so naive with people. I look around me and everyone else has someone that they could count on – a best friend or a partner-in-crime. As for me? I have neither.

Who would be willing to genuinely listen to me talk about my problems? No one.

Who would be the first one that I’d call during desperate or difficult times? No one.

Who would be the one who would drop whatever they’re doing with no hesitation and focus on me when I encounter a difficult situation? No one.

Who would be the one who would make the effort to just spend a few hours with me when all I want is to enjoy their company? No one. 

It’s pretty pathetic and sad, I must say. Don’t get me wrong – I am not a needy or an attention-seeking person. In fact, I was raised to be independent and to be able to thrive on my own. There’s a difference between being alone versus being lonely. I am fine being alone because I do enjoy my own presence and once in awhile, I myself would isolate from people just to find myself again. However, it’s becoming a realization that I have absolutely no one whom I could count on & give my ultimate 100% trust to anyone.

There are some people in my life whom I thought I could genuinely count on in life, but oh foolish me was just blinded by the idea of them, thinking that they’d care about me.

People would always disappoint. What’s heartbreaking is when you realize that the people that you prioritize the most, would always prioritize you the least. It’s a crappy feeling, I must say. Time and time again, I find myself giving my all for the people who would never be willing to give the same effort to me. If any of my friends have problems, I’d always be available for them, to listen to them – even if they pushed me aside. I take people seriously when they tell me their problems because it proves to me that they trust me when it comes to sharing their personal problems. I try so hard to be there for people because I know how it feels like to have no one to listen to you. However, do I get the same treatment in return?

From my own experience, I find myself shutting down whenever I talk to people about my problems. Don’t bother. They’d always have something to say about themselves (making the situation about them instead), they’d pause you to just to tell you something completely irrelevant, they’d shrug and downplay whatever you’re saying as if it’s not a big deal or they’d pretend to listen but they’re actually not. It’s just plain rude

When I ask my friends out, it’s as if I’m desperately begging for their time. I get it, everyone has a life of their own, priorities and whatnot. However, what saddens me is that I’d be 100% willing to make time for the people whom I truly care no matter what the situation – but they would never be willing to do the same for me.

If someone really mattered to you, you’d be willing to put the effort to prioritize that person, even if it’s just a few minutes. It just made me realize that in my circle of friends, I was never a priority to anyone. I was more of an option or a back-up when they had no one else. There would always be someone else who would be more important to them.

During my surgery, the bunch of people whom I expected to be there for me were not even there for me at all. There wasn’t even the slightest bit of concern for me and neither did they even bother visiting or checking up on my well-being. Even sending a simple text message that would take less than a minute to send was so difficult for them. It was as if they had no idea that I was going through something difficult in my life and all I needed was their support.

I should really open my eyes more to see who are my actual friends and not be blinded by the people who are just taking me for granted. I should really stop mistaking some people whom I thought were very important and close to my heart, as someone who even deserves to be in that position.

It’s unsettling to know that you have no one that you can depend on. Everyone else has their own best friend, whom they could count on for advises and help during times of need. As for me, it’s practically as if I’m foolishly begging for someone’s attention. In times of need, I have no clue who to call or I would rather just suffer on my own, knowing that they’d just be unreliable. It’s not that I am being salty – it’s just really sad to have no one who you could call/text within eight digits when you really need someone.

Once again, I am not a needy person and I am not salty about not having someone whom I could depend on. This is just a personal reflection from what I’ve observed these past few weeks of being on my own. At the end of the day, I know that you can never rely on humans too much. They will always disappoint because after all, they’re not God. The only person who’d be willing to listen to all my problems would be Allah. However, once in awhile, it would be nice to know someone is actually out there who would be 100% down for you when you need them to be.

As a note to self, 

Do not bother crossing oceans for anyone who cannot even cross a puddle for you. 

 

 

retrospect | first month of post-op

It was the 26th of March last night – it marked the first month ever since I had to go through my emergency operation.

Around 2:00AM last night, I was tweeting about how crazy it is to think that it has already been a month since everything happened. While I was tweeting, I remembered every detail and every emotion that I felt so vividly in my head. It made my heart race out of a sudden.

tweet

I thought I was just being emotional from everything that happened but, no. Right after I tweeted that my heart was at unease, tears welled up in my eyes and I went straight to my mom because I knew I wasn’t okay.

And that was when I suffered my first ever – panic attack.

It was all the recurring memories playing in my head and I felt all the anxieties that I felt when I was in the hospital. My heart was pulsating at a faster rate than usual and I was just trembling and hyperventilating. It was really awful because it was the first time I’ve ever experienced something like that. It was just a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear. It just felt like I was anxiously waiting for another surgery to happen.

After that awful experience, that was when I realized that I am not as strong as what I thought I was. A panic attack would be something that is out of the norm for me to experience because I’ve always thought I was capable & strong of handling whatever came my way. It made me feel so vulnerable – a feeling that I’ve always hated.

I guess I’ve been psyching myself up too much to the point that I am in denial that I am after all, only human. It’s normal for humans to feel vulnerable at times. But for me, I’ve never enjoyed vulnerability. It makes me feel weak and personally; I do not like the idea of having someone or something have the control over you.

That aside – it’s time I did some reflection of what I’ve learned from my experience since the surgery. The surgery has made me realize that I was after all, a weak servant of His. When I first knew that I had this abnormal growth, I knew I had to redha because this is just what is written for me.

During the countdown before the surgery, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified at all. I tried my best to put up a front and stayed strong but only Allah knew how I felt deep in my heart. I couldn’t stop tearing up and even as I am typing this, my eyes are already welling up with tears, haha. I kept on telling myself while I was lying on the bed with the IV drip,

“Qistina, you just got to put all your trust in Allah. Allah will take care of you.” 

I knew I had to do that. The supposed time for the surgery was 6AM but it got pushed till 12PM. When the nurses announced that it was time for me to go, I just couldn’t stop tearing up all the way till the surgery theater. Once we’ve reached, that was the moment I stopped crying. I just didn’t want to cry during the surgery because by then, I knew it was going to happen anyway.

But what terrified me was the idea of being unconscious during the surgery and also of any complications that could happen during the surgery. Being unconscious felt like you were in a state between life or death and you know that you do not have any control over it, except Him. Anything could happen during that state and it was honestly, one of the most terrifying experience for me.

I remembered the nurse telling me to breathe in the laughing gas, telling me that I was doing a good job. Sooner or later, the anesthetist said to me that I was going to feel a burning sensation.

I felt the burning sensation kicked in and grunted in pain.

And thankfully, the last thought that I could remember before I was knocked unconscious was – Allah. That was the very last thought that I had in mind and heart.

It felt really emotional for me because it was a personal battle that I had to fought alone in the theater (with the surgery team) even though I was unconscious. I knew that there was no one else that could help me in that very situation but Allah, and He did. Alhamdulillah.

Praise to Allah. Everything went smoothly. They managed to take out the cyst and my right ovary was saved. There was no suspected malignancy and everything was fine. The abdominal pain that I suffered the night before was due to one part of the cyst leaking.

No words could express how grateful (grateful would be an understatement) I was.

I remembered feeling groggy after the surgery. Me being a hot-tempered person, I couldn’t understand why the nurse could not speak softly after a patient had an operation, but whatever. They gave me morphine to treat the pain but then I realized the pain was actually bearable, Alhamdulillah.

I was really happy to see all my family members in the ward. With everyone who visited me when I was in the hospital, it really shows all the love that I’ve been showered with, which is also a blessing from Him.

My whole experience staying in the hospital tested my patience on another level. I had so many needles and foreign objects being inserted into me – the IV needle, the catheter for my urine, the tube for the blood spillage. It made moving around very difficult – even on the bed. Knowing myself, I was really proud of myself for not throwing a tantrum or a huge fuss because everything was really just uncomfortable.

Mom took care of me well, it aches me to trouble her to take care of me during this difficult period – and I’m still a shitty daughter as ever. May Allah grant her Jannah Firdaus for everything she has done for me since I was a newborn.

I couldn’t eat anything for the first two days. The nurse said I had to fart before I could have any food because I have to get rid of the gas that I breathed in during the surgery. Eventually, I did fart and managed to eat some soup and whatnot. However, vomiting was not the fun part.

Days go by and I eventually regained my love for food and what not. I must say that post-operation makes me very lethargic. My energy was at its lowest and even right now, I haven’t regained my energy. I’ve been so used to moving and doing things so fast, it’s funny how I have to take a step back and do everything at a slow pace right now.

This whole process has been a memorable one for me. I truly believe that it was Allah’s way of teaching me to be patient when a calamity happens to you. Looking back, everything was so perfectly timed by Him. My supposed surgery date was on the 3rd of April but thankfully, everything was done in advance because it gave me more time to recover before school started.

My learning point from this experience would be – to always be patient when a calamity happens to you and to always have trust in Him that He will take care of everything for you perfectly and there should be no doubt about it, ever.

فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

And, behold, with every hardship comes ease: – 94:5

verily, with every hardship comes ease! – 94:6

The Race of Disappointment.

When it comes to the subject of my own race, I’m 50/50. I love my culture and traditions, but not everything about it.

The state of the generation of this race right now is actually pretty embarrassing. Based on personal experience, I cringe at the way Malay teenagers act nowadays. Yeah, we’re known for the terms lepak & ‘hidup mesti kena chill’. But guess what? Having that constant mindset is not helping our community to prosper. It’s just another excuse for being lazy and not ambitious enough to push yourself forward, even when you know you have the ability to do so.

Just look at most of the youths these days. Many of them idle their time away sitting at void decks, smoking their lungs out and what not, engaging in empty conversations. Lepak je lah yang korang tahu.

 

lost liberation.

I’ve started blogging once more, just because I have lost my creative juices.

That’s not the only thing that I’ve lost. I am on the verge of losing my identity – the one I’ve built up, the one I’ve trained to face people, the one I’ve intricately detailed with abstract thoughts.

I can feel myself crashing and burning. It intimidates me that I am going to let myself be pushed by people once more and it fears me that I am allowing people to take control over me.

The people that I face in school, they’re not really my cup of tea. It’s funny how most of those whom I’ve met, they’re still stuck in their child-like mindset. You’d think you’d be surrounded by more mature people, wrong. Majority of the student body here are of different frequencies from me. In fact, to be honest, I don’t really get along with the people here.

Friends? Real friends don’t exist here. Everyone wants to be friends with everyone, for the sake of expanding their social media empire, or at least to belong in a clique whereby they fit in perfectly like a cookie cutter. The friends that I’ve made here? Yeah, they’re nice. Just that I don’t see the possibility of them existing in my future anymore once we’ve parted ways. Tap & Go, they say. 

I can’t wait to get out of here. It’s a washed-up place filled with pretentious, prepubescent kids. The generation today feeds off cheap puppy love, the distorted idea of being “popular” on social media, episodes of petty drama and gossip, boxes of nicotine and bottles of intoxication.

Wow, it’s a shame to be living in this generation. Where did dreams and ambition go?

This is not my place and this is not where I deserve to be. How do I find the girl inside of me; who seemingly got lost in the process of her independent liberation which she used to conquer her reality? Somehow, she got frightened and intimidated by the people here.

These few months, my mind has been a total wreck. It’s almost empty except it’s filled with cloudy thoughts that remind me of how crappy my life has been so far. I wish I could already claim that my poly life has been the  “best times of my life” but it hasn’t really been a rosy field. In fact, it’s quite shitty.

I envy my other friends who’ve made such wonderful friends to widen their social circle – the kind whereby they were on the same level as you, on par. I haven’t really found one here and I doubt I’d find one before leaving either.

What’s your next strategy? Survival. You survive every fucking day in school, even if your anxieties are being raised from the moment you stepped a foot in the school building, even if you can’t get along with the kids, even if you constantly feel like running away and hiding, even if you feel like you want to be invisible – why?

You just fucking have to.

Maybe, this is the price that I have to pay for failing one of my core subjects during O’levels.