lost liberation.

I’ve started blogging once more, just because I have lost my creative juices.

That’s not the only thing that I’ve lost. I am on the verge of losing my identity – the one I’ve built up, the one I’ve trained to face people, the one I’ve intricately detailed with abstract thoughts.

I can feel myself crashing and burning. It intimidates me that I am going to let myself be pushed by people once more and it fears me that I am allowing people to take control over me.

The people that I face in school, they’re not really my cup of tea. It’s funny how most of those whom I’ve met, they’re still stuck in their child-like mindset. You’d think you’d be surrounded by more mature people, wrong. Majority of the student body here are of different frequencies from me. In fact, to be honest, I don’t really get along with the people here.

Friends? Real friends don’t exist here. Everyone wants to be friends with everyone, for the sake of expanding their social media empire, or at least to belong in a clique whereby they fit in perfectly like a cookie cutter. The friends that I’ve made here? Yeah, they’re nice. Just that I don’t see the possibility of them existing in my future anymore once we’ve parted ways. Tap & Go, they say. 

I can’t wait to get out of here. It’s a washed-up place filled with pretentious, prepubescent kids. The generation today feeds off cheap puppy love, the distorted idea of being “popular” on social media, episodes of petty drama and gossip, boxes of nicotine and bottles of intoxication.

Wow, it’s a shame to be living in this generation. Where did dreams and ambition go?

This is not my place and this is not where I deserve to be. How do I find the girl inside of me; who seemingly got lost in the process of her independent liberation which she used to conquer her reality? Somehow, she got frightened and intimidated by the people here.

These few months, my mind has been a total wreck. It’s almost empty except it’s filled with cloudy thoughts that remind me of how crappy my life has been so far. I wish I could already claim that my poly life has been the  “best times of my life” but it hasn’t really been a rosy field. In fact, it’s quite shitty.

I envy my other friends who’ve made such wonderful friends to widen their social circle – the kind whereby they were on the same level as you, on par. I haven’t really found one here and I doubt I’d find one before leaving either.

What’s your next strategy? Survival. You survive every fucking day in school, even if your anxieties are being raised from the moment you stepped a foot in the school building, even if you can’t get along with the kids, even if you constantly feel like running away and hiding, even if you feel like you want to be invisible – why?

You just fucking have to.

Maybe, this is the price that I have to pay for failing one of my core subjects during O’levels. 

 

 

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