feels like i only go backwards

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself.

I don’t know what I’m doing in life anymore – there’s no clear vision of what I want in the future. Everything is just a blurry mess right now. The things that have been happening in my life right now has affected me so much to the point that I feel like I do not want to live my life anymore until the particular person leaves forever.

The fact that I’m wasting my youth on this crappy bullshit (which I did not ask for) has made it so difficult for me to enjoy life. Everything has been so miserable & it’s so hard to look at the “bright” side because it is literally non-existent.

This is not the life that I want. There are other 18-year-old girls out there who do not need a man at all to get what they want and they’re out there chasing their dreams, exploring the world, and checking off their bucket list. While I’m here at home most of the time at home, waking up in the late afternoons, binge-watching vlogs on Youtube just to keep my mind distracted from this miserable life.

I am no longer the girl that I used to be and that saddens me a lot. I have built myself up in a certain manner that would exude my self-confidence to other people and now I’ve lost it all. I am no longer that girl who’s outspoken, amiable, happy-go-lucky, “rah-rah”, could-not-care-less girl that I used to be back in Secondary School. I have become the total opposite. I tend to be a lot quieter around people, I don’t like being in the limelight, I don’t take initiatives like I used to do anymore, I have become more reserved, I’m less confident of myself, I have become more socially anxious and I just tend to shut people out nowadays.

I used to have such a clear vision in life. I knew what I wanted to do and I knew that I was capable of doing it. I had that attitude whereby I knew I could take life by its balls and now, everything else just intimidates me. It’s just constant mental and emotional breakdowns, over and over. I am just constantly frustrated and crying over my life.

I hate the fact that I am doing this to myself. I do not deserve this.

I feel like I have so much to offer to the world – to prove myself.  There are so many things out there that I could be doing. I really don’t want to waste my youth and allow the negativity to suck the soul out of me. I no longer want myself to allow one irrelevant human being to ruin my chances at making this life fulfilling and to make it to what I desire it to be.

I am trying so hard to find things that I could do to make myself happy but my creative juices are lacking. I no longer find inspiration in anything like I used to. Nothing excites me anymore. I do not even know what I could do to improve myself and make my life fulfilling.

This whole post just sounds really, really depressing. It’s just that everything has been so stagnant in my life lately.

What I need is just a whole new revamp of myself – a new outlook on life, a new attitude, new look and style, new friends, a new vision, new hopes and dreams, new resolutions, new environment, a wider circle of friends. Just everything brand new. I despise the girl who I have currently become. I desperately have and neeed to find a new way of getting myself to love myself, again.

Self-Love. 

 

 

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