the devils come out to play

These few days have been pretty rough.

Oh, wait. Who am I kidding? The past coming to seven months has been really tough on me because constant darkness & misery took over. The skies have been gloomy to me.

I have come to a realization whereby I have to learn to accept the fact that I am no longer as strong as I was. These past few months, I have been suffering constant emotional and mental breakdowns. It’s not normal and I feel helpless.

Most of the time, I’m just bottling up my emotions. I just find solace in writing my blog, ranting on my private twitter or just scribbling on a notebook. I don’t bother talking to anyone about my problems because most of them don’t bother listening to me either, so what’s the point?

At times, I feel like I’m crazy. I don’t even know who I am anymore because this wasn’t the girl who I wanted to be growing up. I feel like I’m delusional or even depressed. I am in fact, becoming more volatile than ever. The feelings that I feel, the grudges, they’re all bottled up in my heart until it cannot be contained anymore. It’s blowing out of proportion in the shape of sharp temper. Even my own temper scares me sometimes – before I retreat into chantings to calm myself down within that few minutes.

That’s when the devils laugh and mock me. They love to see me at my most vulnerable and weakest point. That’s when they attack me, from every direction – my heart, my mind, when I’m alone.

Mom tells me I’m not okay. I used to think that she was the one who was making me crazy but now I see it for myself.

Yeah, I am beginning to see that I’m not actually okay.

I am not okay. Fuck. 

It’s so hard to see accept the fact that I am not okay because I used to be a tough cookie. It’s hard to see myself hating and berating my own self. I was never like this before. And now, I can’t even enjoy living my life because of who I am.

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