I have come to a realization that once again, I have made the foolish mistake of prioritizing the people who don’t even prioritize me – which leads to me being taken for granted, once again.

I wish I’d stop being so naive with people. I look around me and everyone else has someone that they could count on – a best friend or a partner-in-crime. As for me? I have neither.

Who would be willing to genuinely listen to me talk about my problems? No one.

Who would be the first one that I’d call during desperate or difficult times? No one.

Who would be the one who would drop whatever they’re doing with no hesitation and focus on me when I encounter a difficult situation? No one.

Who would be the one who would make the effort to just spend a few hours with me when all I want is to enjoy their company? No one. 

It’s pretty pathetic and sad, I must say. Don’t get me wrong – I am not a needy or an attention-seeking person. In fact, I was raised to be independent and to be able to thrive on my own. There’s a difference between being alone versus being lonely. I am fine being alone because I do enjoy my own presence and once in awhile, I myself would isolate from people just to find myself again. However, it’s becoming a realization that I have absolutely no one whom I could count on & give my ultimate 100% trust to anyone.

There are some people in my life whom I thought I could genuinely count on in life, but oh foolish me was just blinded by the idea of them, thinking that they’d care about me.

People would always disappoint. What’s heartbreaking is when you realize that the people that you prioritize the most, would always prioritize you the least. It’s a crappy feeling, I must say. Time and time again, I find myself giving my all for the people who would never be willing to give the same effort to me. If any of my friends have problems, I’d always be available for them, to listen to them – even if they pushed me aside. I take people seriously when they tell me their problems because it proves to me that they trust me when it comes to sharing their personal problems. I try so hard to be there for people because I know how it feels like to have no one to listen to you. However, do I get the same treatment in return?

From my own experience, I find myself shutting down whenever I talk to people about my problems. Don’t bother. They’d always have something to say about themselves (making the situation about them instead), they’d pause you to just to tell you something completely irrelevant, they’d shrug and downplay whatever you’re saying as if it’s not a big deal or they’d pretend to listen but they’re actually not. It’s just plain rude

When I ask my friends out, it’s as if I’m desperately begging for their time. I get it, everyone has a life of their own, priorities and whatnot. However, what saddens me is that I’d be 100% willing to make time for the people whom I truly care no matter what the situation – but they would never be willing to do the same for me.

If someone really mattered to you, you’d be willing to put the effort to prioritize that person, even if it’s just a few minutes. It just made me realize that in my circle of friends, I was never a priority to anyone. I was more of an option or a back-up when they had no one else. There would always be someone else who would be more important to them.

During my surgery, the bunch of people whom I expected to be there for me were not even there for me at all. There wasn’t even the slightest bit of concern for me and neither did they even bother visiting or checking up on my well-being. Even sending a simple text message that would take less than a minute to send was so difficult for them. It was as if they had no idea that I was going through something difficult in my life and all I needed was their support.

I should really open my eyes more to see who are my actual friends and not be blinded by the people who are just taking me for granted. I should really stop mistaking some people whom I thought were very important and close to my heart, as someone who even deserves to be in that position.

It’s unsettling to know that you have no one that you can depend on. Everyone else has their own best friend, whom they could count on for advises and help during times of need. As for me, it’s practically as if I’m foolishly begging for someone’s attention. In times of need, I have no clue who to call or I would rather just suffer on my own, knowing that they’d just be unreliable. It’s not that I am being salty – it’s just really sad to have no one who you could call/text within eight digits when you really need someone.

Once again, I am not a needy person and I am not salty about not having someone whom I could depend on. This is just a personal reflection from what I’ve observed these past few weeks of being on my own. At the end of the day, I know that you can never rely on humans too much. They will always disappoint because after all, they’re not God. The only person who’d be willing to listen to all my problems would be Allah. However, once in awhile, it would be nice to know someone is actually out there who would be 100% down for you when you need them to be.

As a note to self, 

Do not bother crossing oceans for anyone who cannot even cross a puddle for you.